Friday, October 1, 2010

WHAT THE FUCK AM I WATCHING? TWILIGHT

This is where I torture myself by watching something I know I'm gonna hate just so I can rant and rave about it in ALL CAPS before I implode. I thought I'd start out with something that really makes me rage... 



I can sum this fucking shit pile of a movie into one phrase. A FUCKING HAPPY VAMPIRE FAMILY PLAYING BASEBALL IN SLOW MOTION! WHY THE FUCK WHY? With Stephanie Meyer's Mormon propaganda aside, the film itself is horrid on every level. First the acting, KRISTEN STEWART POORLY PRETENDS TO QUIVER LIKE THERE'S A SQUIRREL IN HER PUSSY WHEN SHE SEES ROBERT PATTINSON MAKING POOP FACES AT HER! That's about it. All the other characters are about as useful as an asshole on your elbow. Bella is the new fresh meat at school and all three boys in her class want a piece of dat ass, including the gay asian, and just like every high school, the new kid is showered with welcoming friends immediately. But enough about the ludicrous story, let's go back to our beloved duo...

EDWARD YOU'RE A FUCKING GLITTERING PUSSY WHO HATES WALKING THE EARTH WITHOUT A MONOTONE DRONE TO SHARE YOU FEELINGS WITH. BELLA WANTS YOUR DICK BECAUSE YOUR THE ONLY GUY AT HER HIGH SCHOOL TALLER THAN SHE IS. LET'S IMMEDIATELY FALL IN LOVE BEFORE WE EVEN HOLD A CONVERSATION! STOP MAKING POOP FACES! YOU'VE RUINED EVERYTHING LIKABLE ABOUT VAMPIRES. Bella is just an utterly boring character, and Stewart's acting is colder than Edward's dead skin. Poop faces, lip biting, vampire baseball, and brady bunch vampire families. Kill me now.


This get's 4 out of 5 rage faces because I was able to sit through the whole thing unfortunately. I still would like a gun in my mouth please. 


34 comments:

  1. hey man be nice, twilight is my favorite movie

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  2. "KRISTEN STEWART POORLY PRETENDS TO QUIVER LIKE THERE'S A SQUIRREL IN HER PUSSY"

    As a furry, you just turned me on a bit, there ;P

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  3. I've gotten this far without seeing any of these movies (not quite in their demographic) and I am pretty sure that I dodges a bullet, based off of this rant.
    A do enjoy a good herpaderp'd picture though.

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  4. I applaud your willingness to do something that sucks so hard. I don't have that kind of dedication to do things detrimental to my mental health. It's the same reason I don't repeatedly punch myself in the balls or have children.

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  5. Why watch it? Have you given up on life?

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  6. HAHA Good thing I haven't watched Twilight yet. And based on your review, I'll keep it that way.

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  7. I watched the entire movie for Kristen Stewart. She was not naked or semi-naked enough to warrant such a torture session. I feel your pain

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  8. I had to watch this horrible movie in order to get my friend to read a book. I definitely got the worst part of that deal. Do not recommend ever to anyone. Great review. :)

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  9. Thank god, I've never seen that movie.

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  10. Keep watching, the story line will start at the end of the second film.

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  11. Hahahaha, those pictures... He does look like he just pooped, doesn't he? I also saw this when it came out, unfortunately. A friend dragged me to it and paid for my ticket. I'd never even heard of it at the time... I was pissed.

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  12. oh dear gaaaaaaaawd. i hate that movie.

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  13. Gaahahahah xD nice rant lol. That movie can suck my left nut

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  14. yeah no shit the movie sucks ass i swear and ye ti makes millions why i have no fucking clue. people pay millons for this horseshit but when something uniques comes out liek scott pilgram iy gets the bone and no one goes and watches. thank to the ass holes who supported twilight and let good movies die

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  15. Some chick made me sit though this, I wanted to an hero so bad.

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  16. I understand you, man, had to watch it too, it was terrible^^

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  17. i got a lot of value out of snarking/raging at the movie while my wife tried to watch it.

    and i would like to fuck ashley greene's mouth.

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  18. I wonder if the twilight movie is a vampire itself. It seems like every guy who watches it has all the happiness and life sucked out of him.

    Herp Derp picture made me laugh.

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  19. You are not less of a man for sitting through the whole movie. Congrats!

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  20. Twilight can go to hell along with most books and movies created for the soul purpose of making money... it kills me inside to see the success of this series.

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