I never want to wake up.

I Have No Heart. So I Have No Friends.

Got blocked by another Facebook friend today, only this one wasn't really my friend, and it really wasn't me that got blocked. I received a strange message on one of my fake FB profiles, and my first reaction was to just ignore it...

I had no idea what this was about. I hadn't logged into this profile for months. But out of boredom, I saw an opportunity to pass some time. Sorry, I had to block the pic because I'm using someone's identity that possibly views this blog, and they kinda don't know about it... oops...

Well let's ask her boyfriend Reece about this misunderstanding...

This is boring. A conversation with myself would be more interesting than this drab...

Well this isn't very interesting either. Maybe if I splash it up with some photoshop... 

And wallah...

There. That's better... Now I want to show off my pretty picture to my friends...

:( I guess she didn't like it...

and I guess we weren't meant to be friends either...

Just something to pass the time, here's another if you're a fan: I'm A Bastard, I Know. Here's How You Can Be Too

PREview REview: TRUE GRIT

In America the good guys wear eye patches. What now James Bond?

The Coen brothers have been a little misunderstood lately, but that's what's great about them, you never know what to expect. The trailer for TRUE GRIT was released this week, and in it's subtlety, tells you exactly what to expect.

-Jeff Bridges is back with the Coens, and he's a fucking bad ass.

  
-Little girl wants Daddies killer dead. Get ready for some good ol' fashion revenge. 

-Cowboys shootin' at cowboys. Coen style. 

I have a feeling that this will have a slight after taste of No Country For Old Men mixed with a dash of Oh Brother Where Art Thou, and if you didn't know already this is a remake of a John Wayne flick, but even with out knowing that, this trailer gets the point across clearly with the simplicity of imagery sided with the girl's carefully edited off screen dialog, and the point is this: They still can make 'em like they used to, but now with better cameras. But don't take my word for it, ♫READING RAINBOW♫ I CAN GO ANYWHERE♫ Ok, watch the trailer...

And for shits and gigs, here's the original trailer that looks like a Disney movie compared to this.

WHAT THE FUCK AM I WATCHING? TWILIGHT

This is where I torture myself by watching something I know I'm gonna hate just so I can rant and rave about it in ALL CAPS before I implode. I thought I'd start out with something that really makes me rage... 

I can sum this fucking shit pile of a movie into one phrase. A FUCKING HAPPY VAMPIRE FAMILY PLAYING BASEBALL IN SLOW MOTION! WHY THE FUCK WHY? With Stephanie Meyer's Mormon propaganda aside, the film itself is horrid on every level. First the acting, KRISTEN STEWART POORLY PRETENDS TO QUIVER LIKE THERE'S A SQUIRREL IN HER PUSSY WHEN SHE SEES ROBERT PATTINSON MAKING POOP FACES AT HER! That's about it. All the other characters are about as useful as an asshole on your elbow. Bella is the new fresh meat at school and all three boys in her class want a piece of dat ass, including the gay asian, and just like every high school, the new kid is showered with welcoming friends immediately. But enough about the ludicrous story, let's go back to our beloved duo...

EDWARD YOU'RE A FUCKING GLITTERING PUSSY WHO HATES WALKING THE EARTH WITHOUT A MONOTONE DRONE TO SHARE YOU FEELINGS WITH. BELLA WANTS YOUR DICK BECAUSE YOUR THE ONLY GUY AT HER HIGH SCHOOL TALLER THAN SHE IS. LET'S IMMEDIATELY FALL IN LOVE BEFORE WE EVEN HOLD A CONVERSATION! STOP MAKING POOP FACES! YOU'VE RUINED EVERYTHING LIKABLE ABOUT VAMPIRES. Bella is just an utterly boring character, and Stewart's acting is colder than Edward's dead skin. Poop faces, lip biting, vampire baseball, and brady bunch vampire families. Kill me now.

This get's 4 out of 5 rage faces because I was able to sit through the whole thing unfortunately. I still would like a gun in my mouth please. 

Craigslist Encounters: WHAT A FUCKING MORON

This is one I've been working on for a while. It's not as funny as I'd like it to be because the target wasn't as reactionary as I'd hoped, BUT, the outcome is worth the read! Trust me. This has to be the most elaborate prank/troll I have ever pulled off. You might have a hard time understanding whats happening in these screen shots because the subject is so retarded, so I'll try my best to explain whats happening along the way.

First off, I'm playing the part of Michaela, but before we begin here's our lovely craigslist ad:

To save time I'll explain that I replied via fake email, and asked him to contact me on facebook so that he could see what I look like. He didn't waste anytime.

He doesn't quite get it...

 

 But now I have his phone # and address... then this happened...

 

I gave him a random address in a bad part of town. At this point he still hasn't even heard my voice and he's asked me to move in with him. So to avoid gaining suspicion later on, I had one of my good female friends give him a call. Over the phone they arranged for her move in date to be Saturday night, and that he needs to stay home during the day because she was having her things delivered to his house while she was at work. My next plan of action was to answer as many "furniture for sale ads" as possible, ask for delivery on saturday, and give them his address. Here's one of the emails I sent...

hi there, i'm very interested in couch. the only problem is that i have no car and my boyfriend's is in the shop, plus i dont know anyone with a truck. i figured its a long shot but since we're both in XXXXXX i would be happy to purchase it if there was some way for you to transport it to me. we're willing to pay extra for your troubles. would $650 be sufficient? there's not a lot of XXXXXX ads on craigslist so i thought i'd ask. my address is XXXX 1st street, XXXXX thank you - michaela & daniel

I sent about 10 of these emails out and almost all of them agreed to show up some time on Saturday. I informed them that I'd be working but my boyfriend Daniel would be there to make the transaction. So to sum up, on Saturday he will have about 6-7 people show up to his house throughout the day expecting him to purchase heavy furniture that they had to lug to his house. Chairs, dinettes, coffee tables, couches, etc. Obviously he would have to either purchase them or turn them away one after another. Then after all of that confusion, if he's still too stupid to figure out he had been fooled, he would then drive 45 minutes out of his way to a strangers house to find that his 'one love' does not in fact exist. Sounds like a bad day to me. I'll leave you with the after math...

After all of this, he refuses to believe that he was fooled. 

Finally he get's it... sort of...

As promised I sent a few screenshots to the family linked to his profile, including the link to his still active craigslist ad. So yeah, I'm an asshole. Thanks if you read all of this, I hope you enjoyed it.

Also naturally, I had quite a bit of angry emails from those who wasted their time delivering the furniture, I figured this blog would drag on too long with those added reactions, if you'd like to see them let me know in the comments and I'll post the reactions in my next blog. Thanks for reading.

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The New "Comic Book" Movie?

Sam Rami's Spiderman movie started a big bang of other superhero stories hitting the big screen. A trend that is still going strong today. If you haven't noticed by now, movies happen in trends. When lord of the rings was big, we had medieval craze going on for a while. Studios want to milk the tit of what's currently popular until we get sick of that particular brand of milk. Comic book films are the milkiest tit in the biz right now but the milk is starting to run dry as we come closer to running out of heroes, and we've already started to dip into the reboot experiments, but I sense that a new challenger approaches. Web site movies. "The social network" has already gotten so much hype before it's release that Google is trying to catch a ride on this speeding train. Ken Auletta’s bestselling book "Googled: The End Of The World As We Know It" is currently being adapted for the silver screen. So what's next? Myspace: Tom's revenge or maybe a biopic about the rise and fall of Classmates.com? Either way, I can't wait to sell the rights for "The Mental Masochist: A Blogspot.com Story" 

If you'd like to find out some good ways to stick it to the man, and see these movies for free, my pal Rusty Cage wrote a blog with some good ideas here, get-into-movies-for-free Check it out and follow him if you dig it. He's a very generous one, that guy.

Toilet Thoughts: AN IDEAL WORLD

I’m one to ponder as deeply as the mind will allow. During moments of passing time, the questioning of existence and reality come into play. I usually tend to cling to the thoughts idealism give me. Idealism is a philosophical theory that suggests the ultimate existence of reality is held within the mind. I think I cling to this thought because of how much I want the possibility to exist. If there were the smallest of possibilities that I am just a conscious being that projects my reality exclusively within my mind, than what I perceive of reality wouldn’t really be reality at all. Everything we know will mean nothing. Our quest for certainty will become even more lost in the expanding infinity of uncertainty. Maybe then, maybe with the slightest crack of a doorway that would shine a mere glimpse of possibility, I would be able to dwell further into the belief that my physical form is only a mental projection from another dimension. Feelings, senses, and thought would be at the tip of the iceberg for human potential, if human is what we even are… But then as I sit and ponder on my porcelain throne the biological waste expels from my body and splashes into the pool of toilet water that was once peaceful only moments before. It is at this moment that I realize that, perhaps, I am more of a physical being than I’d like to be. What use would an infinite mind capable of creating realities within realities have for such useless acts such as wiping poop from your exterior? So now in this moment of shame, I realize that my existence and the existence of my surroundings are material. Shit always seems to tell me that a material existence is more absolute than an ideal one. Because in an ideal world, poop wouldn't exist.